I spent years exhuming suppressed emotions trying to untangle myself with self-help books, and any New-Age nonsense or psycho-babble that came down the pike. Like macrobiotics, an eastern way of eating that claimed to be a panacea. The perfect balance of yin and yang. If you eat brown rice for fourteen days and cook it the right way, you will have perfect health and "nirvana" and blah...blah...blah. I did as they said and all I got was constipated. Another false teaching crossed off my list.
In my search for the true and living God, I ran down many wrong paths chasing after satan who presented himself as an angel of light. I was exposed to people through Transcendental Meditation (TM) with bizarre beliefs which opened many doors with new areas to explore.
I studied Jane Roberts who wrote books through a spirit guide named "Seth". And Marrianne Williamson who was the guru for the hip Hollywood people and wrote the "Course in Miracles" which was set up in chapter and verse just like the Bible. Then there was "est" (Erhardt Seminar Training), Gestalt Therapy, and much more.
One thing lead to another, and another, and always another. I had no idea that I was going deeper into the world of the occult. There was no end to the study, until I had a nervous breakdown with only one place to go and that was the feet of Jesus. It was like the scales fell off my eyes and I knew that everything I chased after was false.
My brother had given me information from his church about eastern religion and the dangers of Transcendental Meditation. I was looking for God in all the wrong places and blind to the truth. I believe the seeds he planted saved me from crashing and burning on the fast track to hell. In my spirit I know that Ronnie and Rosie prayed our family into the Kingdom of God.
When I was too little to remember, I made a vow to be a "good girl". There was enough turmoil in my family without adding more to the mix. My brother had an explosive temper and stood up to my tough Texas mother like a raging bull. The battles were fierce, but she always made him do right. He turned out to be a fine man. She was the boss of our family and demanded complete control. My dad and I surrendered to her - my brother fought her tooth and nail.
I stuffed my negative emotions so deep that I honestly didn't know they existed until years later when they bubbled to the surface disguised as physical and emotional problems. The buried feelings were like a deep-rooted malignant tumor that I had to dig out with a pick ax.
I had no idea what to do with the piles of negative crap that came out of me. I couldn't wade through it by myself. That's when Jesus Christ showed up and said He would clean up the mess for me. He's not finished with me yet. It's a long and painful process but at least I'm on the right road with a dependable Savior who will lead and guide me every step of the way. If I let him.
When I finally found myself, I didn't like me. Among other things, my search unleashed a monster temper that sometimes had a mind of its own, and without notice would stand up for me like an erupting volcano.
The following story was taken from my journal as an example of how I finally learned to stand up for myself - most of the time. I was the outside sales person for a large company who sold replacement parts to heating and air conditioning companies.
(to be continued)